November Head's Letter

THE SECOND FAMILY

“Teenagers today have little reason to attach themselves to their parents or other adults. Most of their needs – to connect, to belong, and to communicate – are satisfied by members of their second family.”- Dr. Ron Taffel

I was recently reminded that one of the strengths of a school like Park is our ability to shape a student body through the admissions process, and that one of the seldom talked about benefits to independent school families is the knowledge that our sons and daughters spend their days with students who share similar broad goals (a focus on authentic learning and, ultimately, college preparation) and worldviews (a respect for self and others). This seems particularly important in a world where children often appear to be raising themselves and each other with less and less input from adults.

When I was growing up, the greatest predictor of my success was who my parents were and how they chose to raise me. Today, the greatest predictor of success for the children we serve is whom they choose to hang out with. At least this is the prevailing wisdom among many child psychologists and adolescent health researchers, including Dr. Ron Taffel, whose book The Second Family: How Adolescent Power is Challenging the American Family has been in my thoughts lately.

Taffel makes the case that teenagers’ peer groups and pop culture are the dominant forces shaping their development, and he cites a host of cultural shifts that he believes gave rise to the “second family” phenomenon. Among these he includes an ever-increasing consumer culture that exerts a “tyranny of cool” that relentlessly markets to ever-younger children, a lack of “undivided” attention from parents, constant external stimulation, a sense of “entitlement” to be heard and respected, and a culture of “comfort-seeking” among teens.

These theories grow out of Taffel’s work as a therapist and he mostly supports them with anecdotal case studies from his practice. As such, I am leery of generalizing them to the entire “tween” and teenage population. However, much of his thinking seems to echo what we are learning about the “millennial” generation (those born between 1980 and 2000) and some of the attitudes they are bringing to the workforce: a need for constant personal validation, an inflated sense of self that belies experience or ability, a strong drive to please others, a demand for work/life balance, and an expectation that they should receive immediate rewards from their work. (For more on millennials, see Ron Alsops’s Trophy Kids: How the Millennial Generation Is Shaking Up the Workplace.)

Taffel believes that adolescent culture mimics adult culture, often taking its least appealing aspects to extremes. He posits that the current mantra of adolescent culture is “to be comfortable” rather than to rebel against authority or change the world, as it was when baby boomers came of age. Therefore, the predominant guiding ethic for today’s young adult is less “I am my brother’s keeper” and more “live and let live” unless someone else’s actions will have a direct impact upon one’s personal comfort. While I think Taffel is too monolithic in his thinking, particularly in light of the historic presidential election we just lived through, I must admit that some of his case studies seem to describe particular students whom I have worked with throughout my career, and that I found myself nodding along as he presented the more destructive forces in modern youth culture.

I am struck by the fact that Park School feels downright counter-cultural when contrasted to the world that Taffel presents. In our own way we comprise a second family for our students, but one that I trust is thoughtful and positive in nature. Park has a culture where student and adults interact in a very natural way, and we hold each other accountable to a set of core beliefs. We do believe that we are our brother or sister’s keeper, and that we should respect others as much as we respect our self and value service to others above self-service. We put more value on collaboration and cooperation within the context of our very real community of learners than we do on individual competition, particularly if it will be measured against the abstraction of standardized norms on a statewide test. We believe in a multigenerational approach to education that helps replicate our culture, and I am continually amazed at how well our older students model the school’s values and beliefs for our younger students.

In the language of our mission statement, this sense of belonging to community begins with our youngest learners and follows all the way through to our graduates, who leave with the skills essential to college success and the confidence and wisdom to serve and lead lives as good citizens after their formal schooling has concluded. This is the type of second family that harkens back to the close-knit neighborhood and back-fence conversations of my youth. This is the type of second family that inspires me to work tirelessly on its behalf. This is the type of second family that bonds alumni to one another years after they have left our campus. This is the type of second family I want for my own children.

As I bow my head in reflection during this season of thanksgiving, this is what I am thankful for.

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